When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.