Defy your own group. Rebel against yourself.

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

We are supposed to enjoy the good stuff now, while we can, with the people we love. Life has a funny way of teaching us that lesson over and over again.

I have never been hurt by what I have not said.

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

Everybody I know who is funny, it's in them. You can teach timing, or some people are able to tell a joke, though I don't like to tell jokes. But I think you have to be born with a sense of humor and a sense of timing.

Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.

Life would be tragic if it weren't funny.

It's simple, if it jiggles, it's fat.

Funny is funny. I dare anyone to look at Tim Conway and Harvey Korman doing the dentist sketch, which is more than 40 years old, and not scream with laughter.

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

Never have more children than you have car windows.

It's so funny how social media was just this fun thing, and now it's this monster that consumes so many millennial lives.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

By all means let's be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.

We are all born mad. Some remain so.

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

I'm quite sarcastic, and I'm funny, but not kind of funny. It's a weird funny, and some people don't get me, and some people do.

Censorship no longer works by hiding information from you; censorship works by flooding you with immense amounts of misinformation, of irrelevant information, of funny cat videos, until you're just unable to focus.

The funny thing is that my husband couldn't be sweeter. He looks like this bad boy. He's got tattoos and earrings and a mohawk, but when you talk to him and he's around you, he's such a gentleman. He holds doors for ladies. He pulls out chairs. He cooks. He cleans.

Comedy is a tool of togetherness. It's a way of putting your arm around someone, pointing at something, and saying, 'Isn't it funny that we do that?' It's a way of reaching out.

In my circle of friends, I've always been loud and funny and talkative. But as soon as I step out of that circle, I get very quiet and introspective. I don't want the spotlight on me.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster.

I love fools' experiments. I am always making them.

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

Cure for an obsession: get another one.

I have a memory like an elephant. I remember every elephant I've ever met.

There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory.

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.

Animals are sentient, intelligent, perceptive, funny and entertaining. We owe them a duty of care as we do to children.

It's a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.

It's funny what memory does, isn't it? My favorite holiday tradition might not have happened more than once or twice. But because it is such a good memory, so encapsulating of everything I love about the holidays, in my mind it happened every year. Without fail.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'

My favorite type of pet has always been a dog. They're loyal, kind, and offer endless affection. My friend Eric says, 'The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.' Funny thought.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

Why don't you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum.

Keep your sense of humor, my friend; if you don't have a sense of humor it just isn't funny anymore.

Turn up the lights. I don't want to go home in the dark.

When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice.

You know the funny thing, I don't get along with rich people. I get along with the middle class and the poor people better than I get along with the rich people.

I know my strong points: I work hard, I have talent, I'm funny, and I'm a good person.

If you could cross a lion and a monkey, that's what I'd be, because monkeys are funny and lions are strong.

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

I don't care what the haters and naysayers say. If they make jokes about me, I'll laugh because they'll probably be funny.