God hadn't made me handsome, but he'd given me something, I always felt: funny bones.

People often can't separate, or can't understand, that to be funny is to be serious; it's a way of pulling people in and not scaring them off. I think a lot of the funny stuff, underneath it, there's a deep anxiety going on.

It seems like everybody's perception of me is very bipolar. To one group, it's overpaid, overrated; to another group, it's underpaid, underrated, underdog. It's funny to me because there's no real balance.

My mother was a very, very funny, outrageous, outspoken person, and she never edited me. Her whole thing in my life was if anybody had a problem with me, tell them to go to hell.

Memories are like mulligatawny soup in a cheap restaurant. It is best not to stir them.

Boy, those French: they have a different word for everything!

It's a funny thing, the less people have to live for, the less nerve they have to risk losing nothing.

Only the mediocre are always at their best.

If I studied all my life, I couldn't think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.

It's funny how a chubby kid can just be having fun, and people call it entertainment!

It's funny, because what happens to me when I read a script, when something grabs hold of me, I start getting these flashes of people or places or things or images.

I always find it actually funny that the analysis is that the characters I play in comedies are the manchild, the adolescent, characters that refuse to grow up. And yet, if you look back in the history of comedy all the way back to the Marx brothers, that's a big part of comedy.

At the end of the day it's got to be a good movie, it's got to be a funny movie, and it's got to make people think, 'Hey, I couldn't have spent my time any better.'

Progress might have been alright once, but it has gone on too long.

Comedy is only funny when there's real pain.

My ideal prom date would have to be cute, funny, sweet, nice.

To be or not to be. That's not really a question.

I'll stick to finding the funny in the ordinary because my life is pretty ordinary and so are the lives of my friends - and my friends are hilarious.

Funny things tend not to happen to me. I am not a natural comic. I need to think about things a lot before I can be even remotely amusing.

Always remember your kid's name. Always remember where you put your kid. Don't let your kid drive until their feet can reach the pedals. Use the right size diapers... for yourself. And, when in doubt, make funny faces.

Instant gratification takes too long.

Whatever is funny is subversive, every joke is ultimately a custard pie... a dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.

It's funny: people who meet me say, 'I thought you'd be different.' But I'm still the same guy.

I went to private school for a very long time, and we always wore uniforms. Then in third grade, I switched to a public school, so I was so excited to wear what I wanted on the first day. I remember I chose this orange hoodie with a skirt, and it's so funny when I think about it now because my style really hasn't changed that much.

You can't be a real spy and have everybody in the world know who you are and what your drink is. That's just hysterically funny.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny.

My mother was very funny. My dad had a great sense of humor. My grandmother, too.

Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.

I used to stutter really badly. Everybody thinks it's funny. And it's not funny. It's not.

I love readings and my readers, but the din of voices of the audience gives me stage fright, and the din of voices inside whisper that I am a fraud, and that the jig is up. Surely someone will rise up from the audience and say out loud that not only am I not funny and helpful, but I'm annoying, and a phony.

I think we're all good and bad, but good's not funny. Bad is funny. Suppress the good and let the bad out, and then you can be funny.

The 'Billionaire' song is what my kids tease me with. They sing it to me. It's funny.

God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.

When I'm being funny, I try not to offend. I don't think much of what I've done has been in really ghastly taste. I don't think I have embarrassed many people or distressed them.

I'm screamingly funny, you know, I really am in the books. And that helps because I'm funnier than a lot of people, I think, and that's appreciated by young people.

Macho does not prove mucho.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

We, as Americans, at least - I mean, I love my country - but we're so self-righteous sometimes, in terms of, like, our nationality, our country. But we're people from somewhere else; the true 'Americans' are the original peoples. It's funny, but we're a very territorial species.

Funny thing is that the poorer people are, the more generous they seem to be.

I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights.

The human brain is a funny thing: it's very susceptible to tempo and melody. You put the right words to it, and it becomes very influential.

It's funny: the one time I got star-struck was when I met Snoop Dogg. I gave him a hug and said, 'I love you, man.'

It's funny: I can never sleep between shows; I think it's because I don't like to switch the motor off. I'll probably have some chicken or pasta, though never the two together, and maybe go out for a quick wander around.

Memories are doing funny things to us.

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

Although I have guitars all around, and I pick them up occasionally and write a tune and make a record, I don't really see myself as a musician. It may seem a funny thing to say. It's just like, I write lyrics, and I make up songs, but I'm not a great lyricist or songwriter or producer. It's when you put all these things together - that makes me.

I grew up in a time when women didn't really do comedy. You had to be homely, overweight, an old maid, all that. You had to play a stereotype, because very attractive women were not supposed to be funny - because it's powerful; it's a threat.

James Caan told me at the end of filming 'Elf' that he had been waiting through the whole film for me to be funny - and I never was.

I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.