Happiness is nothing but good health and freedom, and money is the single best way you can buy your freedom.

I think 'Dilbert' will remain popular as long as employees are frustrated and they fear the consequences of complaining too loudly. 'Dilbert' is the designated voice of discontent for the workplace. I never planned it that way. It just happened.

Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs. This is the principle behind lotteries, dating, and religion.

Beware of advice about successful people and their methods. For starters, no two situations are alike. Your dreams of creating a dry-cleaning empire won't be helped by knowing that Thomas Edison liked to take naps.

Scientists will eventually stop flailing around with solar power and focus their efforts on harnessing the only truly unlimited source of energy on the planet: stupidity. I predict that in the future, scientists will learn how to convert stupidity into clean fuel.

Technology will definitely solve all our problems, but in the process it will create brand new ones. But that's O.K. because the most you can expect from life is to get to solve better and better problems.

If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?

We must develop knowledge optimization initiatives to leverage our key learnings.

The world is like a reverse casino. In a casino, if you gamble long enough, you're certainly going to lose. But in the real world, where the only thing you're gambling is, say, your time or your embarrassment, then the more stuff you do, the more you give luck a chance to find you.

Consultants have credibility because they are not dumb enough to work at your company.

There's kind of a toll you have to pay with a cat; if you don't pet her for 10 minutes she'll bother you for six hours.

It doesn't take many people to have a bad sense of humor to get in trouble at a corporation.

It's not what you pay a man, but what he costs you that counts.

If you can build a business up big enough, it's respectable.

We don't seem to be able to check crime, so why not legalize it and then tax it out of business?

An economist's guess is liable to be as good as anybody else's.

The movies are the only business where you can go out front and applaud yourself.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock.

Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don't have for something they don't need.

Don't gamble; take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold it till it goes up, then sell it. If it don't go up, don't buy it.

We will never have true civilization until we have learned to recognize the rights of others.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

The more that learn to read the less learn how to make a living. That's one thing about a little education. It spoils you for actual work. The more you know the more you think somebody owes you a living.

America is becoming so educated that ignorance will be a novelty. I will belong to the select few.

There's only one thing that can kill the movies, and that's education.

The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets.

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.

This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.

On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does.

Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate, now what's going to happen to us with both a House and a Senate?

Ohio claims they are due a president as they haven't had one since Taft. Look at the United States, they have not had one since Lincoln.

It's easy being a humorist when you've got the whole government working for you.

It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

Things in our country run in spite of government, not by aid of it.

If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep.

There is no more independence in politics than there is in jail.

The only time people dislike gossip is when you gossip about them.

Make crime pay. Become a lawyer.

People are getting smarter nowadays; they are letting lawyers, instead of their conscience, be their guide.

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

You've got to go out on a limb sometimes because that's where the fruit is.

Too many people spend money they haven't earned to buy things they don't want to impress people they don't like.

Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.

Let advertisers spend the same amount of money improving their product that they do on advertising and they wouldn't have to advertise it.

If advertisers spent the same amount of money on improving their products as they do on advertising then they wouldn't have to advertise them.

Politics has become so expensive that it takes a lot of money even to be defeated.

The more you observe politics, the more you've got to admit that each party is worse than the other.