It's not what you pay a man, but what he costs you that counts.

If you can build a business up big enough, it's respectable.

We don't seem to be able to check crime, so why not legalize it and then tax it out of business?

An economist's guess is liable to be as good as anybody else's.

The movies are the only business where you can go out front and applaud yourself.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock.

Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don't have for something they don't need.

Don't gamble; take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold it till it goes up, then sell it. If it don't go up, don't buy it.

We will never have true civilization until we have learned to recognize the rights of others.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

The more that learn to read the less learn how to make a living. That's one thing about a little education. It spoils you for actual work. The more you know the more you think somebody owes you a living.

America is becoming so educated that ignorance will be a novelty. I will belong to the select few.

There's only one thing that can kill the movies, and that's education.

The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets.

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.

This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.

On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does.

Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate, now what's going to happen to us with both a House and a Senate?

Ohio claims they are due a president as they haven't had one since Taft. Look at the United States, they have not had one since Lincoln.

It's easy being a humorist when you've got the whole government working for you.

It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

Things in our country run in spite of government, not by aid of it.

If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep.

There is no more independence in politics than there is in jail.

The only time people dislike gossip is when you gossip about them.

Make crime pay. Become a lawyer.

People are getting smarter nowadays; they are letting lawyers, instead of their conscience, be their guide.

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

You've got to go out on a limb sometimes because that's where the fruit is.

Too many people spend money they haven't earned to buy things they don't want to impress people they don't like.

Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.

Let advertisers spend the same amount of money improving their product that they do on advertising and they wouldn't have to advertise it.

If advertisers spent the same amount of money on improving their products as they do on advertising then they wouldn't have to advertise them.

Politics has become so expensive that it takes a lot of money even to be defeated.

The more you observe politics, the more you've got to admit that each party is worse than the other.

Politics is applesauce.

If you ever injected truth into politics you have no politics.

There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

A remark generally hurts in proportion to its truth.

I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.

A man only learns in two ways, one by reading, and the other by association with smarter people.

Why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years Americans would be the smartest race of people on Earth.

I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.

I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.

If I studied all my life, I couldn't think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.

I guess there is nothing that will get your mind off everything like golf. I have never been depressed enough to take up the game, but they say you get so sore at yourself you forget to hate your enemies.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.