Funny - Quotes & Sayings
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
Elbert HubbardIf this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.
Abraham LincolnMay the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
George CarlinIf I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.
Tallulah BankheadMost comedy is based on getting a laugh at somebody else's expense. And I find that that's just a form of bullying in a major way. So I want to be an example that you can be funny and be kind, and make people laugh without hurting somebody else's feelings.
Ellen DeGeneresWe are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know.
W. H. AudenA woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.
Oliver HerfordAge is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.
Luis BunuelI'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.
Robin WilliamsMy life needs editing.
Mort SahlI found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney DangerfieldSmoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
Brooke ShieldsThere cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
Henry KissingerLife is hard. After all, it kills you.
Katharine HepburnThe best ideas come as jokes. Make your thinking as funny as possible.
David OgilvyWeather forecast for tonight: dark.
George CarlinComedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
Peter UstinovIf you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month.
Theodore RooseveltDrawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
Robert BenchleyIt's such a funny thing when you see your daughter transitioning from your baby, your little girl, to suddenly being a young woman. If you're not really looking for it, you can miss it, and Lily-Rose is on that road already, and there's nothing I can do to stop it.
Johnny DeppI buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.
Warren BuffettAll generalizations are false, including this one.
Mark TwainI am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
Will RogersThey say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Clint EastwoodI'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
Steven WrightWhy do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin WilliamsAll right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
Casey StengelDesign is a funny word. Some people think design means how it looks. But of course, if you dig deeper, it's really how it works.
Steve JobsI can resist everything except temptation.
Oscar WildeIf at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.
William Lyon PhelpsCleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
P. J. O'RourkePart of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube.
Joan RiversI am blessed with a funny gene that makes me enjoy life.
Karan PatelAnytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help.
Alex HaleyDo not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
Joey AdamsThe chief function of the body is to carry the brain around.
Thomas A. EdisonTact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.
Abraham LincolnLife goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
Joan RiversI have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
Groucho MarxI believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron WhiteI cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
W. C. FieldsSometimes I'm really funny, sometimes I'm quiet, sometimes I'm shy, but I'm constantly changing.
Elle KingFrisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
George CarlinTragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
Mel BrooksI always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily TomlinGambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.
Wilson MiznerWhat's another word for Thesaurus?
Steven WrightA committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
Milton BerleI had everything I'd hoped for, but I wasn't being myself. So I decided to be honest about who I was. It was strange: The people who loved me for being funny suddenly didn't like me for being... me.
Ellen DeGeneresProgress is man's ability to complicate simplicity.
Thor Heyerdahl