Funny - Quotes & Sayings

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Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

Elbert Hubbard

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.

Abraham Lincoln

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

George Carlin

If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.

Tallulah Bankhead

Most comedy is based on getting a laugh at somebody else's expense. And I find that that's just a form of bullying in a major way. So I want to be an example that you can be funny and be kind, and make people laugh without hurting somebody else's feelings.

Ellen DeGeneres

We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know.

W. H. Auden

A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.

Oliver Herford

Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.

Luis Bunuel

I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.

Robin Williams

My life needs editing.

Mort Sahl

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

Rodney Dangerfield

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.

Brooke Shields

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

Henry Kissinger

Life is hard. After all, it kills you.

Katharine Hepburn

The best ideas come as jokes. Make your thinking as funny as possible.

David Ogilvy

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

George Carlin

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

Peter Ustinov

If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month.

Theodore Roosevelt

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.

Robert Benchley

It's such a funny thing when you see your daughter transitioning from your baby, your little girl, to suddenly being a young woman. If you're not really looking for it, you can miss it, and Lily-Rose is on that road already, and there's nothing I can do to stop it.

Johnny Depp

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.

Warren Buffett

All generalizations are false, including this one.

Mark Twain

I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.

Will Rogers

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

Clint Eastwood

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

Steven Wright

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

Robin Williams

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.

Casey Stengel

Design is a funny word. Some people think design means how it looks. But of course, if you dig deeper, it's really how it works.

Steve Jobs

I can resist everything except temptation.

Oscar Wilde

If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.

William Lyon Phelps

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.

P. J. O'Rourke

Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube.

Joan Rivers

I am blessed with a funny gene that makes me enjoy life.

Karan Patel

Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help.

Alex Haley

Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.

Joey Adams

The chief function of the body is to carry the brain around.

Thomas A. Edison

Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.

Abraham Lincoln

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.

Joan Rivers

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

Groucho Marx

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

Ron White

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

W. C. Fields

Sometimes I'm really funny, sometimes I'm quiet, sometimes I'm shy, but I'm constantly changing.

Elle King

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

George Carlin

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

Mel Brooks

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

Lily Tomlin

Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.

Wilson Mizner

What's another word for Thesaurus?

Steven Wright

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

Milton Berle

I had everything I'd hoped for, but I wasn't being myself. So I decided to be honest about who I was. It was strange: The people who loved me for being funny suddenly didn't like me for being... me.

Ellen DeGeneres

Progress is man's ability to complicate simplicity.

Thor Heyerdahl