Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.

Most comedy is based on getting a laugh at somebody else's expense. And I find that that's just a form of bullying in a major way. So I want to be an example that you can be funny and be kind, and make people laugh without hurting somebody else's feelings.

We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know.

A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.

Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.

I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.

My life needs editing.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

Life is hard. After all, it kills you.

The best ideas come as jokes. Make your thinking as funny as possible.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month.

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.

It's such a funny thing when you see your daughter transitioning from your baby, your little girl, to suddenly being a young woman. If you're not really looking for it, you can miss it, and Lily-Rose is on that road already, and there's nothing I can do to stop it.

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.

Design is a funny word. Some people think design means how it looks. But of course, if you dig deeper, it's really how it works.

I can resist everything except temptation.

If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.

Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube.

I am blessed with a funny gene that makes me enjoy life.

Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help.

Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.

The chief function of the body is to carry the brain around.

Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Sometimes I'm really funny, sometimes I'm quiet, sometimes I'm shy, but I'm constantly changing.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

I had everything I'd hoped for, but I wasn't being myself. So I decided to be honest about who I was. It was strange: The people who loved me for being funny suddenly didn't like me for being... me.

Progress is man's ability to complicate simplicity.