Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Humor is reason gone mad.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.