With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can't.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.