P. J. O'Rourke's Quotes

All religions must be made child-proof. Our teachers' unions have done good work in this field, K through 12. Delaying first communions and bar mitzvahs until age 21 would be another positive step.

P. J. O'Rourke

Explosion of positive rights started in 1932 with the election of Roosevelt.

P. J. O'Rourke

Positive rights are the right to shelter, the right to education, the right to health care, the right to a living wage. These things are - these are, I would call them, more properly, political rights rather than positive rights. And they are extremely tricky, because now we are dealing with things that are zero sum.

P. J. O'Rourke

Don't send funny greeting cards on birthdays or at Christmas. Save them for funerals, when their cheery effect is needed.

P. J. O'Rourke

Art Nouveau got its inspiration from nature. The Bauhaus got its inspiration from engineering.

P. J. O'Rourke

The beauty of democracy is that an average, random, unremarkable citizen can lead it.

P. J. O'Rourke

I think that humor has become a principle means of communication among Americans about politics.

P. J. O'Rourke

Horses and horsepower alike are about status and being cool.

P. J. O'Rourke

Computers seem a little too adaptively flexible, like the strange natives, odd societies, and head cases we study in the social sciences. There's more opposable thumb in the digital world than I care for; it's awfully close to human.

P. J. O'Rourke

The idea of capitalism is not just success but also the failure that allows success to happen.

P. J. O'Rourke

Ideology, politics and journalism, which luxuriate in failure, are impotent in the face of hope and joy.

P. J. O'Rourke

Adam Smith's huge failure was the fact that he did not foresee the industrial revolution.

P. J. O'Rourke

The Communist bloc of old was a study in the failure of failure. Losers in the Soviet economy were the people at the end of the long lines for consumer goods. Worse losers were the people who had spent hours getting to the head of the line, only to be told that the goods were unavailable.

P. J. O'Rourke

Tom DeLay may or may not have broken campaign finance laws, but he did his best to look like he was breaking them.

P. J. O'Rourke

Adam Smith pointed out that there were three things that make us more prosperous, in a general sort of way: freedom to pursue our own self-interest; specialization, which he called division of labor; and freedom of trade.

P. J. O'Rourke

As a nation, Kuwait has been, arguably, free of freedom itself. Claimed in turn by Constantinople, Riyadh, and Baghdad, Kuwait has survived by playing Turks off Persians, Arabs off one another, and the English off everyone.

P. J. O'Rourke

Cars let us out of the barn and, while they were at it, destroyed the American nuclear family. As anyone who has had an American nuclear family can tell you, this was a relief to all concerned.

P. J. O'Rourke

The First Amendment only says 'Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion.' It can disrespect all it wants.

P. J. O'Rourke

I think it's been hard for people to understand how Islam can be a good religion, and yet the Islamists are evil. Those of us who have had experience with Islam understand this, just as we understand the difference between snake handlers and people going to church on Sunday morning.

P. J. O'Rourke

There are two factors in American politics that may seem strange to Europeans: race and religion.

P. J. O'Rourke

Libertarianism is a way of measuring how the government and other kinds of systems respect the individual. At the core of libertarianism is the idea that the individual is sacrosanct and that anything that's done contrary to the well-being of the individual needs some pretty serious justification.

P. J. O'Rourke

Kabul is a walled city, which sounds romantic except the walls are pre-cast reinforced concrete blast barriers, 10 feet tall and 15 feet long and moved into place with cranes. The walls are topped with sandbags, and the sandbags are topped with guard posts from which gun barrels protrude.

P. J. O'Rourke

They are just really stupid people in Hollywood. You write them a script, and they say they love it, they absolutely love it. Then they say, 'But doesn't it need a small dog, and an Eskimo, and shouldn't it be set in New Guinea?' And you say, 'But it is a sophisticated romantic comedy set in Paris.'

P. J. O'Rourke

Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power.

P. J. O'Rourke

The problem, when comparing contemporary television to television in 1974, is that TV has become not just bad but sad.

P. J. O'Rourke

In our brief national history we have shot four of our presidents, worried five of them to death, impeached one and hounded another out of office. And when all else fails, we hold an election and assassinate their character.

P. J. O'Rourke

Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

P. J. O'Rourke

If we heard that somebody starved to death in Sweden or Switzerland, we would be shocked.

P. J. O'Rourke

To mistrust science and deny the validity of scientific method is to resign your job as a human. You'd better go look for work as a plant or wild animal.

P. J. O'Rourke

Philosophy was once considered science.

P. J. O'Rourke

I am unboreable in the great outdoors.

P. J. O'Rourke

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

P. J. O'Rourke

The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it.

P. J. O'Rourke

Whatever it is that the government does, sensible Americans would prefer that the government does it to somebody else. This is the idea behind foreign policy.

P. J. O'Rourke

Government is a health hazard. Governments have killed many more people than cigarettes or unbuckled seat belts ever have.

P. J. O'Rourke

In a free country, government is a dull and onerous responsibility. It is a parent-teacher conference.

P. J. O'Rourke

If government were a product, selling it would be illegal.

P. J. O'Rourke

Feeling good about government is like looking on the bright side of any catastrophe. When you quit looking on the bright side, the catastrophe is still there.

P. J. O'Rourke

If you ask the government to solve all of your problems, it's a bit like asking your wife to cook and clean, to raise the children, to hold down a second job to help with the family finances, to keep her parents happy and well and keep your parents happy and well, and to also - to do the lawn and clean the gutters.

P. J. O'Rourke

If you are young and you drink a great deal it will spoil your health, slow your mind, make you fat - in other words, turn you into an adult.

P. J. O'Rourke

The car provided Americans with an enviable standard of living. You could not get a steady job with high wages and health and retirement benefits working on the General Livestock Corporation assembly line putting udders on cows.

P. J. O'Rourke

If you think health care is expensive now, just wait 'til it's free.

P. J. O'Rourke

Nobody likes insurance companies, especially health insurance companies.

P. J. O'Rourke

Health care's not about insurance! Health care's about getting treatment.

P. J. O'Rourke

No Americans wants to see somebody lose their house because of health bills. Their boat? Maybe. Maybe the boat. But not the house.

P. J. O'Rourke

Nancy Pelosi says the angry opposition to health care reform is like the angry opposition to gay rights that led to Harvey Milk being shot.

P. J. O'Rourke

There is no 20-year period in American history when stocks lost money.

P. J. O'Rourke

I understand Twitter has become popular among politicians. This technology allows them to stay in perpetual contact with their constituents. The electorate now has instant information about what politicians have been up to.

P. J. O'Rourke

Agriculture is a business that has been up to its bib overalls in politics since the first Thanksgiving dinner kickback to the Indians for subsidizing Pilgrim maize production with fish head fertilizer grants.

P. J. O'Rourke

The library, with its Daedalian labyrinth, mysterious hush, and faintly ominous aroma of knowledge, has been replaced by the computer's cheap glow, pesky chirp, and data spillage.

P. J. O'Rourke