Joan Rivers's Quotes

I've learned from my dealings with Johnny Carson that no matter what kind of friendship you think you have with people you're working with, when the chips are down, it's all about business.

Joan Rivers

The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.

Joan Rivers

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

Joan Rivers

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

Joan Rivers

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.

Joan Rivers

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.

Joan Rivers

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

Joan Rivers

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

Joan Rivers

My mother loved entertaining, and I've followed suit, so we have big celebrations for New Year, Passover, Thanksgiving and birthdays.

Joan Rivers

Trust me, there's not one night a week I'm not in a theater somewhere. I adore theater, and I go out with friends, so I do have some nights off.

Joan Rivers

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.

Joan Rivers

Comedy is learning to be funny, and you learn to be funny in small rooms with young audiences.

Joan Rivers

Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube.

Joan Rivers

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.

Joan Rivers

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Joan Rivers

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

Joan Rivers

Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.

Joan Rivers

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Joan Rivers

I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny.

Joan Rivers

Never floss with a stranger.

Joan Rivers

I truly think comedy is - being funny is DNA. My dad was a doctor, a wonderful doctor, and people still come up to me today, 'Your father helped my mother die.' You know what I'm saying? He made her laugh 'til she died. My father was always very funny.

Joan Rivers

Prince Charles is so funny. So, so funny.

Joan Rivers

I have no line. If I think it's funny, it's funny.

Joan Rivers

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.

Joan Rivers

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Joan Rivers

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.

Joan Rivers

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.

Joan Rivers