I've learned from my dealings with Johnny Carson that no matter what kind of friendship you think you have with people you're working with, when the chips are down, it's all about business.

The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

My mother loved entertaining, and I've followed suit, so we have big celebrations for New Year, Passover, Thanksgiving and birthdays.

Trust me, there's not one night a week I'm not in a theater somewhere. I adore theater, and I go out with friends, so I do have some nights off.

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.

Comedy is learning to be funny, and you learn to be funny in small rooms with young audiences.

Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube.

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny.

Never floss with a stranger.

I truly think comedy is - being funny is DNA. My dad was a doctor, a wonderful doctor, and people still come up to me today, 'Your father helped my mother die.' You know what I'm saying? He made her laugh 'til she died. My father was always very funny.

Prince Charles is so funny. So, so funny.

I have no line. If I think it's funny, it's funny.

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.