I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because then it's serious business.

I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It's absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I'm okay. It's like I'm out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet.

There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'

When I die, I'm gonna leave my body to science fiction.

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn't seem right.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'

One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.

I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald's. I'm completely turned off by the idea of politics.

I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'

When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It's funny how different it looks and how it's happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I'm going to get a bagel.

I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

What I like about the jokes, to me it's a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won't be funny.

When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.

I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.

You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.

I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be.

People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.