If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink.

When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.

Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?

Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.

Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I like children - fried.

If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.

The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.