Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

The dog has got more fun out of Man than Man has got out of the dog, for the clearly demonstrable reason that Man is the more laughable of the two animals.

Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility.

Humor is a serious thing. I like to think of it as one of our greatest earliest natural resources, which must be preserved at all cost.

The nation that complacently and fearfully allows its artists and writers to become suspected rather than respected is no longer regarded as a nation possessed with humor or depth.

The appreciative smile, the chuckle, the soundless mirth, so important to the success of comedy, cannot be understood unless one sits among the audience and feels the warmth created by the quality of laughter that the audience takes home with it.

Frustration, although quite painful at times, is a very positive and essential part of success.

When it comes to success, there are no shortcuts.

Having a positive mental attitude is asking how something can be done rather than saying it can't be done.

Think of success as a game of chance in which you have control over the odds. As you begin to master concepts in personal achievement, you are increasing your odds of achieving success.

Success is about enjoying what you have and where you are, while pursuing achievable goals.

Communication is about being effective, not always about being proper.

There is a misleading, unwritten rule that states if a quote giving advice comes from someone famous, very old, or Greek, then it must be good advice.

If you think Abraham Lincoln became famous for inventing the town car, it is time to spend a few hours on history.

As sure as the spring will follow the winter, prosperity and economic growth will follow recession.

If you want plenty of experience in dealing with difficult people, then have kids.

Spend some time this weekend on home improvement; improve your attitude toward your family.

A dream collage is pictures of your goals. It is like your future photo album.

Not managing your time and making excuses are two bad habits. Don't put them both together by claiming you 'don't have the time'.

Without initiative, leaders are simply workers in leadership positions.

Those who improve with age embrace the power of personal growth and personal achievement and begin to replace youth with wisdom, innocence with understanding, and lack of purpose with self-actualization.

Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.

There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, and that is to have either a clear conscience or none at all.

The most exciting happiness is the happiness generated by forces beyond your control.

To keep your marriage brimming, With love in the loving cup, Whenever you're wrong, admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up.

Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them.

If you don't want to work you have to work to earn enough money so that you won't have to work.

Progress might have been alright once, but it has gone on too long.

Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny - Did you ever try buying them without money?

The trouble with a kitten is that eventually it becomes a cat.

Middle age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you.

I hope my tongue in prune juice smothers, If I belittle dogs and mothers.

I can live without money, but I cannot live without love.

We cast away priceless time in dreams, born of imagination, fed upon illusion, and put to death by reality.

When you get to know a lot of people, you make a great discovery. You find that no one group has a monopoly on looks, brains, goodness or anything else. It takes all the people - black and white, Catholic, Jewish and Protestant, recent immigrants and Mayflower descendants - to make up America.

Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else.

Behind every cloud is another cloud.

If I am a legend, then why am I so lonely?

You are never so alone as when you are ill on stage. The most nightmarish feeling in the world is suddenly to feel like throwing up in front of four thousand people.

I wasn't close to my father, but I wanted to be all my life. He had a funny sense of humor, and he laughed all the time - good and loud, like I do. He was a gay Irish gentleman and very good-looking. And he wanted to be close to me, too, but we never had much time together.

Invincibility lies in the defence; the possibility of victory in the attack.

The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting.

The art of war teaches us to rely not on the likelihood of the enemy's not coming, but on our own readiness to receive him; not on the chance of his not attacking, but rather on the fact that we have made our position unassailable.

The art of war is of vital importance to the state. It is a matter of life and death, a road either to safety or to ruin. Hence it is a subject of inquiry which can on no account be neglected.

In the practical art of war, the best thing of all is to take the enemy's country whole and intact; to shatter and destroy it is not so good.

If you know the enemy and know yourself you need not fear the results of a hundred battles.

Regard your soldiers as your children, and they will follow you into the deepest valleys; look on them as your own beloved sons, and they will stand by you even unto death.

Prohibit the taking of omens, and do away with superstitious doubts. Then, until death itself comes, no calamity need be feared.

It is only the enlightened ruler and the wise general who will use the highest intelligence of the army for the purposes of spying, and thereby they achieve great results.

He who is prudent and lies in wait for an enemy who is not, will be victorious.