Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.

There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, and that is to have either a clear conscience or none at all.

The most exciting happiness is the happiness generated by forces beyond your control.

To keep your marriage brimming, With love in the loving cup, Whenever you're wrong, admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up.

Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them.

If you don't want to work you have to work to earn enough money so that you won't have to work.

Progress might have been alright once, but it has gone on too long.

Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny - Did you ever try buying them without money?

The trouble with a kitten is that eventually it becomes a cat.

Middle age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you.

I hope my tongue in prune juice smothers, If I belittle dogs and mothers.