But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.

I like women, but you can't always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog's name and then I asked, 'Does he bite?' and she said, 'No.' And I said, 'So how does he eat?' Liar!

I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.

I'd love to win trophies, be in movies, have a body of work I'm proud of and find a way to enjoy it along the way. Success is probably a more of a complicated thing than that.

I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'

I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'

My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'

It's funny: when people always talk about the importance of role models, I used to think that was so exaggerated, but as I get older, I start to realize I don't feel that way so much anymore. If you see somebody like you who's doing something, an older version of what you are, it does make you feel like it's more possible.

I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.

I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.

The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously.

I do come across people who don't like me, don't like my comedy, don't think it's funny, it's too cutesy, or whatever they hate. And it's like, 'Okay. That's your opinion. Somebody liked it, so that's good.' Hopefully it balances out.

I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.

I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.'

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.

For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I'd come home and go to church and everybody would say, 'Oh, my God. Demetri, you're working at the White House.'

I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.

As I lay so sick on my bed, from Christmas till March, I was always praying for poor ole master. 'Pears like I didn't do nothing but pray for ole master. 'Oh, Lord, convert ole master;' 'Oh, dear Lord, change dat man's heart, and make him a Christian.'

I had crossed the line. I was free; but there was no one to welcome me to the land of freedom. I was a stranger in a strange land.

I grew up like a neglected weed - ignorant of liberty, having no experience of it.

Most of those coming from the mainland are very destitute, almost naked. I am trying to find places for those able to work, and provide for them as best I can, so as to lighten the burden on the Government as much as possible, while at the same time they learn to respect themselves by earning their own living.

I had reasoned this out in my mind, there was one of two things I had a right to, liberty or death; if I could not have one, I would have the other.

Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world.

In my dreams and visions, I seemed to see a line, and on the other side of that line were green fields, and lovely flowers, and beautiful white ladies, who stretched out their arms to me over the line, but I couldn't reach them no-how. I always fell before I got to the line.

I would fight for my liberty so long as my strength lasted, and if the time came for me to go, the Lord would let them take me.

Twasn't me, 'twas the Lord! I always told Him, 'I trust to you. I don't know where to go or what to do, but I expect You to lead me,' an' He always did.

Quakers almost as good as colored. They call themselves friends and you can trust them every time.

'Pears like my heart go flutter, flutter, and then they may say, 'Peace, Peace,' as much as they likes - I know it's goin' to be war!

Besides Christianity and specifically Catholicism being wonderful, Christmas is intrinsic to American culture and worth defending. Think of what happens at Christmas time. People play Mariah Carey Christmas songs... What else do you need in life?

In the minds of a Liberal, someone who isn't Christian might be offended if we say Merry Christmas to them, so we shouldn't say Merry Christmas to anyone. The logic is bizarre!

Leftists wage the war on Christmas using their traditional methods - government fiat and the court system. They never win voting, and they certainly don't win in the free market, so they bravely fight their battles through big government.

Got freedom? Thank a man, or rather, thank all the men willing to die so the rest of us can go fetal in our safe spaces if somebody hurts our feelings.

You should always take what I say about religion with a grain of salt, because the 7 deadly sins are more like my seven daily activities. I try to check them all off at least once a day. All of them except gluttony; my trainer keeps that under control.

As a foreigner, I used to think all of Michigan was a post-apocalyptic wasteland of burning buildings, trashed cars, abandoned factories and broken dreams. But now I know that's just Detroit. It's only the Democrat-controlled areas that are a disaster.

In modern society, there are fewer and fewer opportunities for men to be men. For masculinity to flourish in all its glory. For daring and risk-taking to live free, or at least relatively free. Fraternities are one of those places. They deserve to be protected.

Of all the threats to free speech in history, the one the media give the most credibility to without question is the feminist movement, which is trying to rebrand public debate as harassment.

Cyberbullying isn't real. But bullying and harassment certainly are real. Trust me, friends, I went to school in England. They've got bullying down to a fine art. I know, because I was one of its chief architects. I was awful to my fellow schoolboys.

It's not okay to lie about people and particularly not okay to hurl the worst imaginable names at people just because you think you might not like their politics.

What I want is a sort of new political realignment on libertarian/authoritarian lines, and I want a new consensus to emerge of disaffected liberals, classical liberals, dissident minorities like gays, small-state conservatives, libertarians, people who basically want to be left alone.

The thing I most hate about the Left is that they want to stop us laughing - to prescribe which jokes are OK and which are not OK to make in public and to draw artificial lines around certain subjects. I find all sorts of inappropriate things funny.

One of the remarkable things about Donald Trump is that he didn't just beat the Progressive establishment - he also beat the Conservative establishment. Two political tribes that dominated Washington for half a century were defeated in the space of one election campaign.

To be honest, I'm shocked the University of Washington's sports teams are called the Huskies. Why haven't the Leftists that run this entire state demanded they be renamed the 'Athletes of Size' so as to not fat shame anyone?

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.

One famous movie executive, who shall remain nameless, exposed himself to me in his office. 'Mr X,' I said, 'I thought you were a producer, not an exhibitor.'

I guess I was an early method actress. I would go to a quiet part of the sound stage with my mother. I wouldn't think of anything sad, I would just make my mind a blank. In a minute I could cry.