Women are the real architects of society.

I can trust my friends These people force me to examine myself, encourage me to grow.

I don't like Bush. I don't trust him. I don't like his record. He's stupid. He's lazy.

To me marriage is for five or ten years.

Husbands are like fires - they go out when they're left unattended.

I'm scared to death of being poor. It's like a fat girl who loses 500 pounds but is always fat inside. I grew up poor and will always feel poor inside. It's my pet paranoia.

Women have to harness their power - its absolutely true. It's just learning not to take the first no. And if you can't go straight ahead, you go around the corner.

Men should be like Kleenex, soft, strong and disposable.

Men aren't necessities. They're luxuries.

I've always taken risks, and never worried what the world might really think of me.

I have a love/hate relationship with Amy Grant, but I do go back to her Christmas albums once in a while. They're dated and sentimental and the production is nearly unlistenable, but there's something about her vocal performance that just feels really true. I would take her Christmas albums over Mariah Carey's or Destiny's Child's any day.

I was sort of born into a Subud cult that has ties to Islam and Indonesia and Middle Eastern spiritualism. My parents were kind of trial-and-error when it came to religion.

Musicians are often asked to answer for an entire culture, or for an entire movement. It's a process of commodification. It becomes packaged and summarized in a word like 'emo' or 'grunge'... or 'folk music.' I think that's just language itself, trying to understand the mysteries of the world.

The spiritual ambiguity growing up made me really latch onto a faith - Protestantism - that was somewhat conventional. Everyone else was rebelling against traditions and institutions, whereas I was rebelling against the upheaval and uncertainty in my family.

I feel like the Internet needs to be disarmed in some way. There needs to be a philosophical undermining of the Internet. We take it too seriously and too literally. For a reference we go to Wikipedia, which is full of inaccuracies and misinformation. It's kind of beautiful - it's all the product of imagination; it's not reality at all.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

If you do good work, it tends to stick around. People still come up to me and say, 'The Ref' is my favorite Christmas movie.'

I learned a long time ago, if you want to keep your friends in show business, don't get famous. Because as soon as you get famous, a lot of the people you used to know, who didn't, become incredibly bitter and jealous. It's part of the territory.

Temptation's something you have to deal with even if you're not famous. It's harder when you're famous because it's a lot more in your face, and that makes it a little more difficult to walk away from sometimes.

My only worry about tweeting and modern technology is how it has crept into even the darkest corners of the absolute global village we live in.

The thing with movies is, because you have so little time, I always feel like there are more things we could've done with the character. If we'd done a sequel to 'The Thomas Crown Affair,' what would that have been like? But for the most part, you try not to think of that, because it's just going to break your heart.

The things that make me angry still make me angry. George Carlin is 67, and he's still as funny as he's ever been, and he's still angry. And that makes me feel good, because I feel like if I stick around long enough, I'll still be able to work.

I write what I think is funny and I write from a sense of popping a balloon or a sense of injustice, whether it's about yourself, or whether it's about something else. It's my worldview; it doesn't mean that everybody has to agree with it.

You can't teach somebody how to be funny. You're either funny, or you ain't.

My biggest regret in life is that I didn't hit John Denver in the mouth while I has the chance.

My dad was very much a John Wayne kind of guy, but he was also a great guy, great sense of humor, a real dedicated dad. I don't think he ever missed a hockey game I was in.

I'm really happy I went to a Catholic school because a lot of the repressive tactics they use make for great senses of humor.

Not eating meat is a decision, eating meat is an instinct.

When you have kids, you instantly feel that you do not want to do them wrong. Those dads that go off to Florida and start a new life, I couldn't imagine that: seeing my kid once every Christmas, every three years. If I'm gone for six days it feels like too much.

I don't know anything about computers.

All's the government should do is keep the taxes and regulations at a manageable rate, keep a decent standing army and get out of the way.

A lot of guys and people in our society think that chicks just love dudes with money. Chicks love dudes who are successful who happen to have money - do you know what I mean? Chicks are attracted to dudes that are doing their own thing.

I don't think healthcare's a right. The only right you have is the ability to go out on an even playing field and work, and then purchase health insurance, or whatever it is.

Well, the post office is probably not the place you want to go if you want to be infused with patriotism and a renewed sense of vigor.

The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks. If my daughter has a mediocre sense of humor, I'm just gonna tell her, 'Be a staff writer for a sitcom. Because they'll have to hire you, they can't really fire you, and you don't have to produce that much. It'll be awesome.'

Christmas can have a real melancholy aspect, 'cause it packages itself as this idea of perfect family cohesion and love, and you're always going to come up short when you measure your personal life against the idealized personal lives that are constantly thrust in our faces, primarily by TV commercials.