What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.