A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Don't think of it as failure. Think of it as time-released success.

Happiness is a very small desk and a very big wastebasket.

Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.

Washington is a place where politicians don't know which way is up and taxes don't know which way is down.

Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

Quit worrying about your health. It will go away.

Time flies. It's up to you to be the navigator.

I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.

Every speaker has a mouth; An arrangement rather neat. Sometimes it's filled with wisdom. Sometimes it's filled with feet.

Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right?

Humor starts like a wildfire, but then continues on, smoldering, smoldering for years.

In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative; fight, flee - or laugh.

I remember when humor was gentle pokes. I used to call it 'arm around the shoulder' humor. Now they go for the jugular and they take no prisoners. It's mean, mean stuff.

President Ford used humor a great deal.