Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?