My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.

The mother-in-law is the centre of a family.

Mind you, I've always been musical... Mother used to sit me on her knee and I'd whisper, 'Mummy, Mummy, sing me a lullaby do,' and she'd say: 'Certainly my angel, my wee bundle of happiness, hold my beer while I fetch me banjo.'

I've got a friend who is a lion tamer. He used to be a school teacher till he lost his nerve.

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.

My mother-in-law said, 'One day I will dance on your grave.' I said 'I hope you do; I will be buried at sea.'

In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought... I must put a roof on this toilet.