The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.

I never did very well in math - I could never seem to persuade the teacher that I hadn't meant my answers literally.

As far as I'm concerned, 'whom' is a word that was invented to make everyone sound like a butler.

Health food makes me sick.

With humor, it's so subjective that trying to think of what the ideal reader would think would drive you crazy.

There's always a source for humor.

I never eat in a restaurant that's over a hundred feet off the ground and won't stand still.