I was the class podiatrist. I never made it to class clown. I wasn't funny enough. I would examine feet and prescribe and ointment. It was a sad childhood.

I can't even find someone for a platonic relationship, much less the kind where someone wants to see me naked.

A lot of people who claim they're political comedians are just comedians who have opinions. But they stop being funny the minute they give their opinions.

If someone else is paying for it, food just tastes a lot better.