Eighty percent of success is showing up.

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .

Marriage is the death of hope.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

I am two with nature.

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.