To be positive is to be mistaken at the top of one's voice.

Success is the one unpardonable sin against our fellows.

Positive, adj.: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.

The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling.

Logic: The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding.

Photograph: a picture painted by the sun without instruction in art.

Painting, n.: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and exposing them to the critic.

Beauty, n: the power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.

Famous, adj.: Conspicuously miserable.

Destiny: A tyrant's authority for crime and a fool's excuse for failure.

Experience - the wisdom that enables us to recognise in an undesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced.

Experience is a revelation in the light of which we renounce our errors of youth for those of age.

Education, n.: That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.

Learning, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.

Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

Future. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured.

Happiness: an agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.

Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.

Religion. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.

We submit to the majority because we have to. But we are not compelled to call our attitude of subjection a posture of respect.

Death is not the end. There remains the litigation over the estate.

To apologize is to lay the foundation for a future offense.

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

History is an account, mostly false, of events, mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers, mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools.

Mad, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.

Telephone, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.

Inventor: A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels, levers and springs, and believes it civilization.

Faith: Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.

The small part of ignorance that we arrange and classify we give the name of knowledge.

Ardor, n. The quality that distinguishes love without knowledge.

Day, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent.

Lawsuit: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.

Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.

Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two.

When you doubt, abstain.

Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.

Women in love are less ashamed than men. They have less to be ashamed of.

Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills.

Spring beckons! All things to the call respond; the trees are leaving and cashiers abscond.

Alliance - in international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third.

Conservative, n: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.

Politics: A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.

Consul - in American politics, a person who having failed to secure an office from the people is given one by the Administration on condition that he leave the country.

Revolution, n. In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment.

Vote: the instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.

Patriotism. Combustible rubbish ready to the torch of any one ambitious to illuminate his name.

What this country needs what every country needs occasionally is a good hard bloody war to revive the vice of patriotism on which its existence as a nation depends.

Doubt, indulged and cherished, is in danger of becoming denial; but if honest, and bent on thorough investigation, it may soon lead to full establishment of the truth.

Prescription: A physician's guess at what will best prolong the situation with least harm to the patient.

Insurance - an ingenious modern game of chance in which the player is permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is beating the man who keeps the table.