I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.