Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.

The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.

The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.

The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat.

I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.

As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.

Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.

I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.

The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example.

Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.

It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.

The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.

Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.

Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.

We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.

Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column.

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.

The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter.

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.