An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.

A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.

I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.

The advertising world had space men in it before spacemen existed.

All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.

My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.