Rita Rudner's Quotes

I had the worst birthday party ever when I was a child because my parents hired a pony to give rides. And these ponies are never in good health. But this one dropped dead. It just wasn't much fun after that. One kid would sit on him and the rest of us would drag him around.

Rita Rudner

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

Rita Rudner

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Rita Rudner

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.

Rita Rudner

Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'

Rita Rudner

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.

Rita Rudner

It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Rita Rudner

Stand-up is my favorite thing I've ever done. There's so much independence.

Rita Rudner

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Rita Rudner

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Rita Rudner

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

Rita Rudner

I have too many credit cards. You know what happened? Someone stole one and I didn't notice. I noticed when I got that bill. Whoa! It was so much less! I'm letting him keep it. I'm saving money!

Rita Rudner

Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

Rita Rudner

I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.

Rita Rudner

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

Rita Rudner

To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'

Rita Rudner

Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.

Rita Rudner

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

Rita Rudner

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

Rita Rudner

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

Rita Rudner

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

Rita Rudner

We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.

Rita Rudner

There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better.

Rita Rudner