I had the worst birthday party ever when I was a child because my parents hired a pony to give rides. And these ponies are never in good health. But this one dropped dead. It just wasn't much fun after that. One kid would sit on him and the rest of us would drag him around.

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.

Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.

It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Stand-up is my favorite thing I've ever done. There's so much independence.

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

I have too many credit cards. You know what happened? Someone stole one and I didn't notice. I noticed when I got that bill. Whoa! It was so much less! I'm letting him keep it. I'm saving money!

Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'

Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.

There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better.