Happiness is a very small desk and a very big wastebasket.

Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.

Washington is a place where politicians don't know which way is up and taxes don't know which way is down.

Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

Quit worrying about your health. It will go away.

Time flies. It's up to you to be the navigator.

I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.

Every speaker has a mouth; An arrangement rather neat. Sometimes it's filled with wisdom. Sometimes it's filled with feet.

Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right?

Humor starts like a wildfire, but then continues on, smoldering, smoldering for years.

In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative; fight, flee - or laugh.

I remember when humor was gentle pokes. I used to call it 'arm around the shoulder' humor. Now they go for the jugular and they take no prisoners. It's mean, mean stuff.

President Ford used humor a great deal.

I truly believe in positive synergy, that your positive mindset gives you a more hopeful outlook, and belief that you can do something great means you will do something great.

My height doesn't define my skill set. To be a great quarterback, you have to have great leadership, great attention to detail and a relentless competitive nature - and I try to bring that on a daily basis.

I think to be a great quarterback, you have to have a great leadership, great attention to detail, and a relentless competitive nature. And that's what I try to bring to the table, and I have a long way to go. I'm still learning, and I'm still on a constant quest for knowledge.

I had a dream that my dad passed away and that Jesus came into the room and he was basically knocking on my door, saying, 'Hey, you need to find out more about me.' So that Sunday morning I ended up going to church, and that's when I got saved.

I remember my dad asking me one time, and it's something that has always stuck with me: 'Why not you, Russ?' You know, why not me? Why not me in the Super Bowl?

Talking is always positive. That's why I talk too much.

It's a positive thing to talk about terrible things and make people laugh about them.

I have a crazy amount of different jobs, so the way I manage that is to not do more than one at a time. It's like old computers that had small memory chips, they would do something called swapping, where they would fill the memory with one task, do it and get it out.

The problem is, the more famous you get, the more people see you who didn't choose to.

I think you have to try and fail, because failure gets you closer to what you're good at.

I've learned from experience that if you work harder at it, and apply more energy and time to it, and more consistency, you get a better result. It comes from the work.

If you're a woman and a guy's ever said anything romantic to you, he just left off the second part that would have made you sick if you could have heard it.

When I was first divorced, I started dating younger women, and it was really exciting. But after a while I was like, 'This is just dumb.'

I'm bored' is a useless thing to say. You live in a great, big, vast world that you've seen none percent of.

When you're a father in a marriage, you sort of become the mother's assistant. And you sort of get a list from her every day and you run down the list and it feels very much like a chore.

A lot of the struggle I had with movies is I really loved moments and tones and feelings in a scene, and I loved creating those, but I never really had great stories to string them together.

I wish I could know everything ever, like that would be my wish - that's what I hope heaven is, that they tell you who shot JFK and all that stuff.

I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.

I've met a lot of people who've lost their jobs and they still have a sense of humor.

When I take my kids out for dinner or lunch, people smile at us.

Happiness is not a matter of events; it depends upon the tides of the mind.

Spirit of place! It is for this we travel, to surprise its subtlety; and where it is a strong and dominant angel, that place, seen once, abides entire in the memory with all its own accidents, its habits, its breath, its name.

Success is a terrible thing and a wonderful thing. If you can enjoy it, it's wonderful. If it starts eating away at you, and they're waiting for more from me, or what can I do to top this, then you're in trouble. Just do what you love. That's all I want to do.

I'm going to tell you what my religion is. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Period. Terminato. Finito.

I had a daughter and lost her a long while ago. That's too sad a story to go into.

I know a lot of sad people who aren't comedians.

I never thought of it as God. I didn't know what to call it. I don't believe in devils, but demons I do because everyone at one time or another has some kind of a demon, even if you call it by another name, that drives them.

I trust if your life is right, the right things will happen at the right time. If the chords are in harmony inside, I think other things will happen in the same way. That sounded highfalutin' to me once, but I believe it now.

I write funny. If I can make my wife laugh, I know I'm on the right track.

I'm funny on camera sometimes. In life, once in a while. Once in a while.

If my mother hadn't laughed at the funny things I did, I probably wouldn't be a comic actor. After she had her first heart attack, the doctor said, 'Try to make her laugh.' And that was the first time I tried to make anyone laugh.

I write funny. If I can make my wife laugh, I know I'm on the right track. But yes, I don't like to get Maudlin. And I have a tendency towards it.

What do actors really want? To be great actors? Yes, but you can't buy talent, so it's best to leave the word 'great' out of it. I think to be believed, onstage or onscreen, is the one hope that all actors share.

I always have a positive reaction to Times Square - you've got so many people passing through here, so many cultures, and so many people merging into the central community of New York City. This is the hub of America.

I'm living my future as long as you're living in the present and realize how beautiful life is.

Travel around the world is amazing. New people. New-found family, really.