I do come across people who don't like me, don't like my comedy, don't think it's funny, it's too cutesy, or whatever they hate. And it's like, 'Okay. That's your opinion. Somebody liked it, so that's good.' Hopefully it balances out.

I'm an unorthodox type of guy, a funny guy - at least I think I'm funny. And one of the things I like to do is come up with nicknames for myself.

I exaggerate all our selves, our beings. I make fun of everything: of our life and what we are. But I don't tell jokes, really. I just exaggerate life, and it comes out funny.

There's only one rule in stand-up, which is that you have to be funny. Yet 99 per cent of comics look and talk exactly the same.

The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.

I can speak Esperanto like a native.

My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.

When I'm funny is when I'm angriest.

As I get older, all sorts of things become less funny. Once one has children, any cruelty involving children becomes far less amusing than when one was at the mercy of one's friends' and relatives' children.

There is nothing in the world that I loathe more than group activity, that communal bath where the hairy and slippery mix in a multiplication of mediocrity.

If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.

TV is chewing gum for the eyes.

Life can be dramatic and funny all in the same day.

Since there have been men and women, there have been funny women.

I don't care whether people say, ''The Office' is rubbish, 'Extras' is worse, 'Flanimals' is a waste of time. He's not funny; he never has been. I hate him.' I don't mind that at all. In fact, not only do I expect it, I celebrate it, because I think the haters are really important.

It's funny the way most people love the dead. Once you are dead, you are made for life.

I'm 42 and the age of a guy who has kids, so I guess I'm playing right where I'm supposed to be. I'm comfortable with that, but in the same breath I'd do something edgy. If someone came to me and offered me an edgy and funny story, then I'd do it.

Before, I guess, mum and dad were everything, but now, in my case, I had two new girls and all of a sudden they're completely dependent on you and there's a third generation. It's a funny shift all of a sudden. You have the babies, you have yourself and then you have your parents.

I started writing when I was 9 years old. I was like this weird kid who would just stay in my room, typing little funny magazines and drawing comic strips.

When you're in the editing room, the dangerous thing is that it becomes like telling a joke again and again and again. Eventually, the joke starts to not be funny. So you have to be careful that you're not throwing the baby out with the bath water.

There's something very authentic about humor, when you think about it. Anybody can pretend to be serious. But you can't pretend to be funny.

Life was a funny thing that happened to me on the way to the grave.

Include me out.

Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell.

My grandchildren are fabulous and funny.

One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody's listening.

You can do anything with bayonets except sit on them.

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.

The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

Sometimes I can't believe I'm going to be 60. I always say there's no point moaning about getting older, when there's nothing you can do about it. But still, I do find it quite funny. I look at that number, 60, and I think, 'Really? Me?'

I think that certain things are funny and certain things are okay to make fun of - including myself.

I really started to enjoy Instagram more recently because it's something that shows people what I'm doing and what I'm going through, but it's so simple. I don't have to come up with something witty; it's just a funny photo, and you can be as artistic or as plain Jane as you want.

I don't necessarily like wearing lipstick; I just think it's funny to do. I think the darker the better, but it's whatever my girlfriend Kiera has in her purse.

Sometimes I think I'm funny. But then sometimes I see myself, and I think, 'There's somebody trying to be funny.'

They're great girls. They're very funny, they're very smart, they're fun to be with. They're very lively, as I think people can tell. And you know, they're very confident girls.

Well, I'm not afraid to say something if I think it's funny, even if it's harsh or racist.

When human judgment and big data intersect there are some funny things that happen.

In a funny way, poems are suited to modern life. They're short, they're intense. Nobody has time to read a 700-page book. People read magazines, and a poem takes less time than an article.

People say funny things all the time during really serious moments in life.

'Saturday Night Live' was like a university for funny.

There's nothing I would love more than to host an awards show where I'm nominated for an award - that is so funny to me.

It's funny to me that people find other people getting coffee really interesting, or walking their dog in the dog park.

In my film 'Queen', there was a funny moment with the bra. My director called and said they are blurring the bra. They said it is vulgar. Our director was furious about it. We are artistes... We see props as they are. A woman's bra is not a danger to the society.

I don't know now if I'm funny. I just keep talking and hope that I hit something that's funny.

'Wonder Showzen' is one of my favorite shows of all time. When I first saw it, I thought it was so funny and new and original and edgy and insane and subversive. I didn't know comedy could do that. It redefined what I thought you could do with a TV show.

I love nerds. Comic-Con junkies are the tastemakers of tomorrow. Isn't that funny? The tables have turned.

'Mrs Funnybones' is based and structured around my columns, and it's about how a modern woman looks at India and how India looks right back at her. Since I have a weakness for illustrations, there are also a few funny illustrations in there as well.

Somebody said something funny to me the other day. They said, 'Wolper, until two weeks ago, your tombstone was going to say, 'David Wolper, the man who produced 'Roots.' I think the tombstone now has a new inscription. It's going to be 'David Wolper, the man who produced the opening ceremony of the 1984 Olympics.'

Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups.