I call myself the Amusement Park. That's because I'm funny and scary at the same time.

I guess when you turn off the main road, you have to be prepared to see some funny houses.

Too much agreement kills a chat.

I'm for whatever gets you through the night.

Try to find someone with a sense of humor. That's an important thing to have because when you get into an argument, one of the best ways to diffuse it is to be funny. You don't want to hide away from a point, because some points are serious, but you'd rather have a discussion that was a discussion, rather than an argument.

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.

People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.

The funny thing about the people I don't like - they're very self-centered.

A man's got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book.

It's hard to lead a cavalry charge if you think you look funny on a horse.

It's not so much what you learn about Mumbai, it's what you learn about yourself, really. It's a funny old hippie thing, but it's true as well. You find out a lot about yourself and your tolerance, and about your inclusiveness.

I think that I come off as, 'Nothing bothers me, I don't care! I'm funny and sassy.' But I'm deeply sensitive. Not only about myself but to others. Not to pat myself on the back, empathy is a quality I've cultivated over my life. It came naturally to me as a child.

The one thing you shouldn't do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

One of the disadvantages of wine is that it makes a man mistake words for thoughts.

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.

Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you; she is after your barn.

No, no, I was only funny on stage, really. I, I, think I was funny as a person toward my classmates when I was very young. You know, when I was a child, up to about the age of 12.

I don't follow anything blindly. I have to know the entire thing, if I have to get in to it. It might sound funny to you, but it's like using English language. I use an English word only when I know its meaning and understand its connotation. You won't hear me say, 'What's up, dude' or anything like that just for the heck of it.

Ignoring fame was my rebellion, in a funny way. I was insistent on being normal and doing normal things. It probably wasn't advisable to go to college in America and room with a complete stranger. And it probably wasn't wise to share a bathroom with eight other people in a coed dorm. Looking back, that was crazy.

It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.

What I like about the jokes, to me it's a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won't be funny.

A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.

I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.

Turns out you have a really fun time if you go to work every day and focus on being silly and funny and happy!

If I were to insult people and mean it, that wouldn't be funny.

Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening.

Even Napoleon had his Watergate.

I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.

Christopher Columbus, as everyone knows, is honored by posterity because he was the last to discover America.

You win a race, the next race it's a question mark. Are you still the best or not? That's what is funny. But that's what is interesting. And that's what is challenging. You have to prove yourself every time.

If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

Being a funny person does an awful lot of things to you. You feel that you mustn't get serious with people. They don't expect it from you, and they don't want to see it. You're not entitled to be serious, you're a clown.

It's funny because I've made a living off of words, but words get in the way of what you really want to say.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I love airports because funny things always happen at them. They're giant complexes full of urgency, seriousness, and confusion. Where am I supposed to be? Which way do I go? And that's just the staff.

I'm a Twitter addict. Jose Andres is a serial tweeter. It's funny to see which chefs have embraced it, and the different paths they take.

I never thought I was funny, but I enjoy being funny.

Being funny with a funny voice is more my comfort zone, a broader character that I try to humanize, a kind of silly or wacky persona that I try to fill in.

It's funny, the moment you dread the most, seeing yourself bald, is actually not such a bad moment at all.

The two things in the world we all share in this world are laughter and pain. We've all got problems. The levels of those problems vary, but we've all got problems. When you can take things that are painful and make them funny, that's a gift - to you and your audience.

Isn't it funny how babies laugh a lot? I read a toddler, a young child laughs 300 times a day. The average adult laughs, like, four times a day. God put it in them. He put the laugh in us, but I think sometimes we let life get us down, you know, have bad breaks, and we lose our breaks.

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.

There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.