All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

Being funny is everything to me.

It's funny how people who ain't never been down there can think that America is so fair and that we should be alright. It's funny that the people who have their foot on our neck are telling us, 'Get up. What's wrong with you?'

Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.

Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

The first thing I ever got my hands on was Andy Griffith's 'What It Was, Was Football.' I was fascinated with the fact that every syllable made it funny, and I would laugh even though I didn't know what any of it meant.

All I've wanted to be is someone people look up to. It's funny - everyone says I'm controversial. I've never worked out what it is about me that's controversial. I've never had a DUI; I've never been in a brawl; you've never seen photos of me walking out of clubs at 5 A.M.

I think stutterers are funny. And I know it's rude and politically incorrect to laugh at stutterers. But I think it is okay because I know why they're funny. They make people nervous. People think, when on earth are they going to get the word out, so they start laughing out of their own nervousness.

What was really funny is that as I got older all those guys who called me a sissy in junior high school wanted me to be their best friend because they wanted to meet all the girls that I knew in figure skating.

Every man has a sane spot somewhere.

It took forever for me to get work because I was a political comic, and now it's become good business, and God knows how long that'll last. You have to do it night after night after night to kind of make it. I still find myself on 'Piers Morgan' or on some show and I think, 'I hope this is funny.'

He looked about as inconspicuous as a tarantula on a slice of angel food.

I don't need you to be funny. I don't want to be entertained.

I love Felicity Jones. It was funny because I went to go see the 'Rogue One' set, and I was like, 'Oh my God, I love you.' And she's so tiny, and elegant, and she's just so small. Everyone's so much smaller than they seem.

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.

After all is said and done, sit down.

We all struggle. Life is not fun. A lot of times, it's really painful and hard. Sometimes it's really funny. 'Foxcatcher' is kind of like a metaphor for that.

You are not just a funny person or just a journalist. Most people are hybrids of having a smart opinion and a great sense of humor.

I'm an optimist, but an optimist who carries a raincoat.

They say Yogi Berra is funny. Well, he has a lovely wife and family, a beautiful home, money in the bank, and he plays golf with millionaires. What's funny about that?

I think sometimes I should do more carousing, because I don't do much and maybe it would be fun occasionally. It's hard for me to have fun and I'm a serious thinker and a searcher and funny from the front.

I rant, therefore I am.

As far as I'm concerned, 'whom' is a word that was invented to make everyone sound like a butler.

I own and operate a ferocious ego.

I think a lot of humor is about distracting yourself. Pretend you're not trying to make it funny. Because for some reason the effort to be funny smells like sulphur in our culture.

I love mankind; it's people I can't stand.

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.

Every cloud has its silver lining but it is sometimes a little difficult to get it to the mint.

I don't deserve any credit for turning the other cheek as my tongue is always in it.

I think the eyes flirt most. There are so many ways to use them.

Who included me among the ranks of the human race?

There is a saying that if you get something for free, you should know that you're the product. It was never more true than in the case of Facebook and Gmail and YouTube. You get free social-media services, and you get free funny cat videos. In exchange, you give up the most valuable asset you have, which is your personal data.

I have an unfortunate personality.

Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.

Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

I believe in rules. Sure I do. If there weren't any rules, how could you break them?

A word to the wise is infuriating.

Say what you will about the ten commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.

When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It's funny how different it looks and how it's happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I'm going to get a bagel.

If you're serious, you really understand that it's important that you laugh as much as possible and admit that you're the funniest person you ever met. You have to laugh. Admit that you're funny. Otherwise, you die in solemnity.

Everyone has at least one story, and each of us is funny if we admit it. You have to admit you're the funniest person you've ever heard of.

I got attention by being funny at school, pretending to be retarded, and jumping around with a deformed hand.