Communism is like one big phone company.

I've always found it easier to be funny than to be serious.

Usually, if I think something is really funny, I'm not gonna test it. I'll just test it when I'm onstage.

It's funny how you never think about the women you've had. It's always the ones who get away that you can't forget.

California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.

I used to be the class clown. I was the funny kid. That's why it was so hard for people to understand that I rap, because for a long time, they didn't take me seriously for who I was. By, like, eighth grade, I was really rapping.

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

You know being relevant or coming up with something interesting, funny to say about what's current is just as hard as it might ever be depending on the serendipity of it all.

You have to discover when you're inadequate to be funny and you don't know you're inadequate when you're a kid.

Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny - Did you ever try buying them without money?

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

I giggle when I put myself down. It's just funny to me.

Democrats are dumb and Republicans are stupid, but the difference between dumb and stupid is dumb isn't funny. Dumb is when you say something and the whole room goes, 'What did he say?'

I'm kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more.

I wear black skinny-fit jeans - I can't get away from them. It's funny because I wore baggy jeans for ages, then one day my friend convinced me to try on a skinny pair and I thought they were great.

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.

I had an idea of what I thought was funny. It's kind of based on how I am.

Men are only as loyal as their options.

Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.

Why do you have to be a nonconformist like everybody else?

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish.

All my children inherited perfect pitch.

What's funny is funny. The same thing that made you laugh a hundred years ago makes you laugh now.

You could knock my teeth out and break my nose, and there'd be something funny about it to me.

I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church.

I wish I had the nerve not to tip.

There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.

We've got a bunch of new writers now who tell me they grew up watching The Simpsons. It's bizarre, and they're writing some very funny stuff.

There was just a lot of comedy on the TV in the house, and my parents are both very funny.

When I say something untrue on the air, I mean for it to be transparently untrue. I assume people know when I'm just saying something for effect. Or to be funny.

Never put a sock in a toaster.

We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect.

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.

I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.

It's funny... you can make fun of AIDS or Haiti, but if you make fun of some starlet in Hollywood's looks? That's like the one thing... the line you are not to cross.

My mother was against me being an actress - until I introduced her to Frank Sinatra.

To label me an intellectual is a misunderstanding of what that is.

It find it funny how people from Boston and New York hate each other because of pro teams.

I find it funny how people from Boston and New York hate each other because of pro teams. But, like, everyone on the Red Sox is a random millionaire athlete from somewhere else.

I wish the government would put a tax on pianos for the incompetent.

I remember watching Margaret Cho with my grandmother on TV. She was my hero, not only because she was funny, but because she showed me that it's okay to be yourself, that it's okay to be a brash yellow girl and to be a strong and brave woman.

I've never found kicks to the groin particularly funny, although recent work in the genre of the buddy movie suggests audience research must prove me wrong.

The reward of energy, enterprise and thrift is taxes.

I've known for quite a while that I was a funny girl.

It's funny how all of this has worked out - I wasn't popular in high school, but now every drunken guy in the United States wants to be my pal. They all want to buy me a shot, and pretty soon I'm throwing up.